a long one

Assalamualaikum wrt wbt

Peace and blessing be upon you and salam to the prophet Muhammad saw.

So, exam results came out last night. at 7 pm Irish time and 2 am Malaysian time.
It was dup dap dup dap all the way yesterday. Heart skipped a beat for a mo when a friend on skype asked when I'm going back to Dublin. I said, 'lambat lagi la, iA 10 sept nnt aku balik.' And she replied, 'eh, bukan kau cakap kau balik august ke?' and I was 'bila masa lak aku cakap aku balik bulan 8??,'. Well dear friend, from whomever you heard it from (coz I do not remember saying anything like that to you..denial.denial..), looks like its coming true. =) senyum tawar sket~ heh

subhanallah walhamdulillah.

Allah swt the best planner had it be that I did not pass all my papers. Astaghfirullahaladzim...

1. The thing is, it came out only as a small surprise to me. Small surprise pun still manage to waste quite a lot of tears la jugak. pathetic.

So, what do you think that means? see, failing a paper is no fun. no fun at all. To have had an inkling that you're going to fail that paper the second you finished said paper in exam hall is also..urgh.
But, to not have loads of confidence and faith that Allah will pass you if He wills it is... Arghhhhh!!!!!!

Like, how could you not believe in Allah???!!! Tak bersangka baik langsung kat Dia. T__T

huuu..fuhh..fuhhh

La taghdob wa la tahzan. La. Tahzan.

In all honesty, I tried. whenever the heart whispered not nice things, I would quickly make myself be on track again. but, it's still sad you know. that those whispers persisted..even if it were for a few seconds every time. Please, next time if ever such things happen, you know, when syaitan makes you drowsy, help yourself by keeping your faith intact, keeping your iman nice and healthy. 'dan Aku seperti sangkaan hamba-hambaKu' ~~

2. In honesty to myself, I struggled a lot this semester.
with what? emotions and thoughts. nothing physical apart from when all the mental stuff made me real tired so I got drained at times.
yes, just by thinking.
A lot of people noticed it. I'm sorry I spoilt your days by putting on a sour face and acting like I don't care about anything when I do care. a lot. and I know that most of you did not know what to do with me, probably because I pushed most of you away, physically too as well kan. I'm sorry. T_T

It was a hard semester. I've never remembered a semester when I cried that much in my life. and there's no exaggeration to this!

I wasn't ready with a lot of things. when pushed forward when you're in a very unstable state, you become rebellious. I didn't want all this to happen. I gave myself a chance, chances even, but...it backfired i guess.

I haven't given up on myself if that's any comfort to anyone. InshaAllah, I won't give up on myself. Love myself too much for that. =)

Anyways, please do not think I'm blaming anyone or anything or any circumstances for my not so lovely exam results. It's just a chance to muhasabah. glad I still have this chance. alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah. blaming is not cool ok.

Back to being honest to myself,

let's see, I skipped a lot of classes, more than last semester.
I started the semester off nice, good mood and all, interested to learn, dare I say, ikhlas to gain knowledge from lectures and life.
But then things became rocky for a while. I had trouble concentrating. had trouble motivating myself to even go to lectures, would have diagnosed myself with depression except I did not have any suicidal thoughts alhamdulillah. and it stayed that way for a loonggg time. until, a certain moment that I did not remember precisely when, probably a month till the end of sem? that I became normal again alhamdulillah.

point is, keep your iman healthy and in check. always. always. always. muslims do not get depressed. muslims do not wallow in self pity. muslims do not let their lifes be in misery and push everyone away just so that they can mourn by themselves.

muslims lead a quality life. they have a sound heart, mind, body and soul. and muslims (that's us!) always always say thair thankfulness to Allah swt for all that happened. muslims love one another and do not make their hearts sick by ill feelings towards another. in short, muslims should be happy people. till they become mukmins. whom the prophet saw said that these mukmins, they're strange people. when they receive good tidings, they are not overjoyed and they say their shukur to Allah swt. when they receive bad tidings, they are the ones who are patient..

so, 10 months has gone by. september till january was one chapter of my life. came february till june, another chapter opened. 2 different chapters. each with a different story. each had lessons to be learned.

and I don't know if i've learned them all. muhasabah is undeniably important. reminder to self to do it more inshaAllah.

for now, live life with iman, amal and ihsan!

WA